Your Third Coast
Music Network Hosts Your Third Coast
Music Network Hostsupdated: 1/3/2008
Call 'em at (210) 733-2800 to bug 'em, with requests:
| Monday |
Tommy 'The Perfesser' Dukes
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| Tuesday
|
RaeWest |
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| Wednesday | Joe
'3Phus' |
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| Thursday | 'Señor
Crusty' Jim Beal Jr.
|
According
to a spokesperson at Senor Crusty's deep South Side Crusty World Headquarters,
a person - or thing - that sounded suspiciously like a mynah bird
with a really bad attitude, His Crustiness was unavailable for comment. |
| Friday |
Dave 'FryDave' Ludwig
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| Saturday |
Mystery
Host |
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| Sunday (4 - 8PM) |
Abigail
"Lil' Dipper" Kinnison
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|
DAN
"THE CAKE MAN" KLEINFELTER: He's not made out of
cake. He bakes cakes. And he does so very, very well. That is, The Cake Man
USED TO bake cakes. It was kinda like he was sucking up to get a coveted TCMN
air shift because everyone knows a TCMN air shift is the fast track to riches,
glory and nicknames, not to mention dates with super models whose last names
are more difficult to spell than "Kleinfelter." So he'd bring amazing
cakes to the radio station. But then The Cake Man actually got an air shift,
and the plum prize of being the wrangler of Third Coast Mystery Hosts, and he
suddenly quit baking. For a couple of days he brought in stale cinnamon rolls
from the day-old bread store. And then he brought in a couple of 35-cents off
frozen pastry coupons. And now he pretends the word "cake" is not
in his vocabulary. Be careful if you see Dan out in public because he is usually
surrounded by an entourage that would make two dozen rappers jealous and the
man will engage you in conversation for hours on end. And he might not even
drop a baking tip on you.
Favorite food: Anything but cake.
Favorite color: Any Fiesta Ware color.
Birth Sign: Nothin' Says Lovin' Like Somethin' From the Oven.
DOUG
BLACKBURN: Little Dougie or "Dug" as we like to pronounce it,
is the young blood of the group. Raised in South Texas he has a long history
of being terrorized by farm animals dating back to a nasty accident he incurred
during his mutton busting days. That day tragically ended with the loss of Dug's
favorite sheep known as "bessie". Young love that ends so suddenly is always
hard to get over. For those of you unfamiliar with the practice of mutton busting,
it's something country people do in order to prove that no matter how stupid
the request is, their child will do whatever they tell them to.
A natural athlete, Dug used his background in rodeo to begin a foray into badminton
and curling. These hobbies ended once it was explained to him that using real
birdies was in poor form and that tea and cookies were not going to be served.
born under the sign of : NO SMOKING!
favorite saying: ARE YOU GONNA FINISH THAT?
favorite fabric: WOOL of course!
Alumni...
RAIN
"RAIN" GILBERT: Rain is his real name. If there's a punch
line in there you'll have to find it for yourself. Rain is the poster child
for KSYM's commitment to diversity and the power of community service to change
lives while building strong teeth and bones. Rain, a young man, is an absolute
classical music freak and a semi-retired ballet dancer who worked to some acclaim
in several Eastern European countries whose names only Tommy Dukes can spell
and find on a map. Rain comes to the TCMN Air Force via a fiendishly clever
work-release/rehabilitation program that seeks to find effective transition
between the worlds of semi-retired ballet dancers and what passes for South
Texas reality. While he still thinks "twang" is an archaic term used
by exiled symphony orchestra managers Rain is learning, in fits and starts,
how to spell "Lone Star" and revel in the glory of steel guitar music.
Please bear with him while he navigates the learning curve.
Favorite food: Watercress sandwiches on whole wheat bread with the crusts trimmed
off.
Favorite beverage: White wine spritzer.
Favorite color: Alfa Romeo green.
Born Under the Sign Of: I Brake for Cellists.
BULLET
BOB FLORES: The man with more aliases than a Post Office wall, Bullet
Bob, AKA Bobby Cobalt, Day Camper and perhaps even a new "also known as"
being developed even while we speak, was won by the Third Coast Music Network,
more or less fair and square, in a poker game. An inveterate drifter whose drifting
is slowed tremendously by the enormous wardrobe with which he travels, Bullet
Bob has indeed sailed right 'round the seven oceans and dropped things into
the middle of the deep blue sea. He is not the only TCMN jock who can break
dance. He is, however, the only TCMN jock who will proudly break dance.
His favorite color: That color pink that some people describe as "salmon"
but most describe as "kind of pink, but not exactly."
His favorite food: Whadda you have to offer?
Born under the sign of: Close Cover Before Striking.
LULU:
Discovered toiling in one of those Bourbon Street feather boa/giant marijuana
leaf Mardi Gras beads/rude T-shirt shops, Lulu was snagged by the Third Coast
Music Network press gang, bundled into an unmarked van and spirited to Alamo
Town. Since landing on Third Coast Tuesdays, Lulu has done a nice job of learning
not to try to sell feather boas to fellow deejays as she mines the Third Coast
lieberry for songs no one, and that means no one, has ever heard. Though she
wasn’t born when most of the discs in the stacks were recorded, Lulu apparently
has some sort of mutant gene that allows here to play songs people actually
want to hear. Still, you have to excuse Lulu when she now and again screams,
"Hey, mister, buy a Voodoo doll kit and I’ll throw in a 48-ounce Bud
Lite."
Born Under the Sign Of: No Outside Food or Drinks
Favorite Color: Neon
Favorie Food: Tootsie Rolls and farm-raised catfish
JOHN "JOHNNY
CONQUESO" CONQUEST: He's back.
After wandering in the wilderness (well, living in and near Austin) Conqueso
has moved to S.A. The exact circumstances of the relocation are shrouded in
secrecy but the man has done suitable penance and will return to the airwaves
to teach us all how English is really spoken. Most of his original bio still
stands:
First, be aware
El Conquesto is not from this country. Born and raised in downtown England,
John is very proud of the fact the Queen Mother actually spoke to him once.
That she said, ""Hey, ink-stained wretch, get the hell out of my way,''
doesn't seem to embarrass him in the least.
Conqo is the editor, publisher and
chief bottle washer of the monthly rag Third Coast Music Magazine. He lives,
generally under house arrest, somewhere near Austin. Conqster is slated to inflict
his views, and his take on Third Coast music, on unsuspecting Third Coast Music
Network listeners the first Saturday of every month.
Conquest was born under the sign of This Way To the Loo.
His favorite color is taupe.
His favorite food is NOT fish and chips.
Despite what you read in his magazine, Conquest's favorite music is cutting-edge
electronica mixed with heavy doses of Miami hip-hop.
TONE
CONTROL GUERRERO: Tone was apparently born on the campus of San Antonio
College and raised very near the KSYM control room. He has more hair than four
wild mountain gorillas. He has a pair of ears on him that tell him Anthrax isn't
heavy enough and Dale Watson isn't twangy enough. He has a mind that tells him
the quest for the heaviest and the twangiest is as noble, and perhaps as dangerous,
as anything ever attempted by Holy Grail seekers.
Tone's favorite color: You know the faded gray
that can only be achieved when the jet-black stamp you get on your right hand
directly after you deal with the "dude"-saying doorman at a bar with
really loud metal music manages to eventually conjure up enough math to figure
out the date on your i.d. starts to fade after you've washed the back of your
hand a dozen times with Lava soap? That's Tone's favorite color.
Favorite food: No one has ever seen Tone eat anything.
Favorite beverage: Gin and chocolate milk.
Born Under the Sign Of: What Would Happen if Lemmy and Wayne "The Train"
Hancock Started a Band Together?
JOE
X. (BY GOD) HORN: Have you heard the song ""Cattle
Wash'' by Flametrick Subs? That tune is the story of Joe X.'s life.
Born in North Texas in a little town called We
Wanna Be Dallas, Joe X was raised by a family of tumbleweeds.
When he was big enough to go to work, he toiled
in the fields of North Texas, picking money off of the money trees.
In the '40s, Joe X rolled into South Texas in
a stolen truck full of kidnapped mutant rodeo cattle. He wasn't really a thief.
He just had to wash cattle. It's an obsession that continues to this very day.
He and Iron John get together at KSYM on Sundays,
round up the San Antonio College squirrels and give them all baths.
You know, the squirrels don't seem to mind and
it keeps Joe X and Iron John occupied. Drop by the station some Sunday and watch
the pair of them get all dolled up in their rodeo finery and soap a squirrel.
But do it quietly because those boys will scrub anything that moves.
Joe X was born under the sign of No Spitting
On the Floor. His favorite color is faded. His favorite food is Quiche Lorraine.
A little known fact about Joe X is he literally hates music. When not on the
Third Coast Music Network air, Joe X lives in a sensory deprivation chamber
that's shaped like a Jim Beam Edsel commerative decanter.
In an ironic twist, as much as he hates music,
Joe X is addicted to line dancing. It must have something to do with the tumbleweeds
that raised the boy. Motion is in his blood, even though he gets motion sickness
and his blood looks a lot like the sap of the Mescal bush.
BRENDA
X: Born and raised near a small North Texas town, a burg called
Fishing With Dynamite, Brenda X ran away from home at an early age.
She found her way to South Texas
when she hitched a ride with a wagon train that she thought was headed to Hawaii.
Oh, well, as far as she's concerned, the surf is always up.
Born under the sign of Wipe Feet
Before Entering, Brenda X wrestles alligators when she's not on the air.
Her favorite color is clear, though
she rarely wears it. Her favorite perfume is Eau de Something Incredibly Expensive.
Her favorite food is blackened Cajun hot dogs. She has two pets, and they play
on the same baseball team.
IRON
JOHN O'ROURKE: Actually, Iron John isn't made of iron at all.
He was constructed of some sort of space-age polymer; built in the East Coast
laboratory of a scientist who wasn't exactly mad, just somewhat goofy.
Iron John also is the host of KSYM's ""Blues
Avenue,'' which airs on KSYM Sundays from 2-6 p.m.
An accomplished Death Metal vocalist, Iron John
dreams of the day when he can quit spinning blues and Robert Earl Keen Jr. and
take to the road with his band, Iron John and the Corpse @#$%^&s.
But we digress. Iron John made it to S.A. from
the East Coast by walking all the way. Well, he caught a ride from downtown
Massachusetts to very near the outskirts of Pennsylvania, but when he spit snuff
juice on the window of a very expensive British automobile, he was tossed.
Iron John has been at KSYM for about 100 years.
He often sleeps on the couch in the office because the office was built around
him.
Iron John's favorite color is a very strange
shade of puce; kind of a dusty puce or faded puce. His favorite food is snuff.
His favorite beverage is festive. His birth sign is KEEP OUT.
JOE
JOE JELLYROLL: Born and raised on Planet Flat Top, Joe Joe the
Dog-Faced, e-r-r-r-r Joe Joe Jellyroll was transported to the Colorado Rockies
by a spiteful ex-girlfriend who was jealous of Joe Joe's plethora of female
cousins.
Because he refused to spell Aspen
with only one ""S,'' Joe Joe was banished to South Texas to live and
work among the infidels - or is that True Infidels?
Also known as Jitterbug Boy, Haircut
Head, Two-Tone Tommy and Hey, A@#$%^&, Joe Joe loves nothing more than pop/jazz,
light classical music and Jet Near Beer.
Whenever Hank Harrison is unable
to slip out of his electronic monitoring device, Joe Joe, who has no real life
of his own, eagerly subs on the Sunday noon-2 p.m. Hillbilly Hit Parade.
Joe Joe Jellyroll's favorite color
is chrome. His favorite food is malted barley mixed with Dan & Jersey's
Al Goretex ice cream. His favorite animal is stump broke. His favorite shirt
is stolen. His favorite cousin is whichever one is staying at his trailer at
the moment. Joe Joe was born under the sign of No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service.
CAP'N
PAUL - THE WEBMONSTER: Cap'n Paul, the Third Coast Webmonster,
was born and raised in some kind of North and kind of West part of the country
where people rejoice - and slide into their Speedoughs - when the mercury climbs
to freezing. He grew up in a town called We Have More Fleas Than People.
Because he showed, at a very early
age, a tendency toward the high-tech, his parents panicked, stuffed him and
his little Junior Webmonster's First Computer on Fred's Bus Lines and bought
him a no-way-out ticket to the end of line.
Of course, the end of the line for
most of us at TCMN is, well, TCMN. Shunned by polite society, Cap'n Paul last
year pledged 50 cents to have the opportunity to empty Iron John's spittoon.
He's been an integral part of TCMN since.
Cap'n Paul was born under the sign
of Double-Wides For Rent...Cheap. His favorite color is that sickly brownish/green
that's used to manufacture fake vomit. His favorite food is microchips and habanero
salsa. archived
playlists
JIMI
JAMES: Born and raised in a huge city somewhere in the East,
Jimi James is a Yankee through and through. However, the man also is a consummate
actor, a mimic and, quite frankly, a well-respected mime. He acquired
that Texas accent while doing an off-off-off-off-no, farther off than that-Broadway
production of ""Cat On a Hot Tar Roof.'' His was the part of Medium-Sized
Daddy.
After he got kicked out of downtown
East Coast for herding sheep through Victoria's Secret, Jimi hopped a freight
loaded with medical waste and wound up herding sheep through Victoria's Not
So Secret in Pleasanton.
Tried for various transgressions
-but convicted of none - Jimi was nonetheless sentenced to do time on KSYM.
You can also hear Jimi James on Blues Avenue some Sundays when Iron John has
to take time off for his treatments.
Jimi James' favorite color is pinto.
His favorite food is caviar and grits nachos on blue corn tortilla chips. He
was born under the sign of Shoplifters Will be Prosecuted to the Fullest Extent
of the Law. When left to his own devices, Jimi James refuses to laugh.
SAM BAIRD: Sam is a veteran of our revolving Saturday lineup, and has done a splendid job. He has a ton of experience with roots music; blues is his specialty. Sam (along with Ronny Narmour) is also responsible for booking the talent for the annual Bowie Street Blues Festival, so now you know who to thank for all the killer music you've heard there.
VELVET
JONES: Listing his hometown as ""Points Unknown,''
there's a very real possibility Velvet Jones was dropped on this planet by a
rogue UFO whose crew was tired of smelling smoke from those little Panteras
Velvet sets afire from time to time.
Velvet was born under the sign of ""No Trespassing.''
His favorite color is black. His favorite food is free. Though he really loves
classic disco music from the '70s and is quite a dancer in the Travolta style,
Velvet has worked very hard to learn to tolerate the music he plays on the Third
Coast Music Network.
When not on the air, no one knows where Velvet
goes.
However, he can be found playing frottoir (rub
board) in both the Ear Food band and A Pack of Loners.
Velvet's latest motto is, ""I feel
like there's somethin' boring into my brain.''
And there might well be.
TERRI KRAKOWER: Terri has only recently moved back to this area from the frozen North, and is anxious to wade ass deep into our library to bring us her unique perspective. She has produced independent radio shows before, and is no stranger to "eclectic".
Tom 'T-Bone' Sheppke
WEDNESDAY
WENCH: Wednesday Wench? Hey, no one at the Third Coast Music
Network gave Debbie that name. She named herself. We are the, make that THE,
bastion of political correctness.
Apparently Debbie actually earned the name in
a previous life. She and the sister of that guy about whom the song "You're
So Vain" was written were hanging out together four or five incarnations
ago. Debbie, actually a princess of some sort, as practically everyone was in
a previous life, was goofing around in the medieval equivalent of Wings. Debbie
decided she'd break with family tradition and pretend she was a pirate's wench.
Her family was irked, of course, but Debbie met
a really cool frog, kissed him, was turned into a disc jockey and landed at
KSYM as part of the TCMN.
And you thought it was difficult to get on the
radio.
The WW's favorite color is plaid. Her favorite
food is tofu with
chocolate syrup and little sprinkles. Her favorite beverage is anything with
a little umbrella in it. Her favorite hangouts are none of your business.
The WW was born under the sign of Fresh Paint.
Go back to the first one